Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
