Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
