You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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