rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
