Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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