Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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