Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
