I wish my penis had an off switch
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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