i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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