and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
