I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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