i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
