I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
