soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
