and you said cock pushups were impossible
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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