So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
