I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i think my cat just said my name.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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