wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
