Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
