I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have surprise drugs for everyone
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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