If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
