You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
