he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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