Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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