I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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