hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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