You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You've changed since you got that strap on
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