He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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