I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
