my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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