How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
