He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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