you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
