some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
