I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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