roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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