please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
