I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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