I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
