the condom got lost in my hair
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I need to align my fucking chakras
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
