don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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