So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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