I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
