I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
