I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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