i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
