"it" just moved
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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