Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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