all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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