what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
